This Holiday, Give Them Something They'll Be Obsessed With: The One Ring

Your very own precious

Mae govannen, friends! Josh here with a guest post for you today. This one comes from Extended Edition member

Eric Pierce

of All the Fanfare.

Today Eric has a special offer to share with us all. Looking for that last-minute gift for that precious someone? You’re in luck! I loved this piece and know you’ll enjoy it too.

Credit: New Line Cinema

This Holiday, Give Them Something They'll Be Obsessed With: The One Ring

Your very own precious

It began with the forging of the Great Rings.

Three were given to the Elves, cold and aloof.

Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, obsessed with rocks and beards.

Nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who live short, boring lives.

Deep in the mystical land of Mordor, Sauron Claus forged a master ring, and into it he poured his charity, his benevolence, and his appetite for justice.

One ring to rule them all. Nicely, not naughtily.

Thanks to a special partnership with Sauron Claus himself, the One Ring™ is now available to everyone in your Fellowship.

Each One Ring™ has been forged in the fires of Mount Doom by craftsmen under Sauron’s close supervision. The rings are made of a gold-nickel alloy and numbered to 2000 in the Black Speech, a secret that only fire can tell.

Every One Ring™ will be an heirloom passed down for generations.

But don’t take our word for it—listen to these satisfied customers:

“It is a gift!” ~ Boromir, Captain of Gondor

“It's mine, my own, my precious.” ~ Bilbo Baggins of the Shire

“We swears on the precious.” ~ Gollum, cave urchin

Now you too can possess your very own precious —  for only 4 monthly payments of $995. At this price — You. Shall Not. PASS!

But wait, there’s more!

Every order will receive free copies of Sauron Claus’s autobiography How I Made Middle-earth Great Again, and Grima Wormtongue’s How the Westfold Fell, and Other Funny Stories.

But wait—there’s even more!

Order in the next 60 minutes to receive your very own Hobbit, who will forgo second breakfast to serenade you with seasonal classics such as:

• Sauron Claus Is Coming To Town

• Bing Crossbow and David Bowie: Pieces of Elves/Little Hobbit Boy

• Happy Sauronmas (War is Forever)

• Have Yourself a Miserable Little Sauronmas

• I Saw Mommy Cursing Sauron Claus

• Mariah Carey: All I Want For Sauronmas Is You

• And many more!

Quantities of the One Ring™ are extremely limited!

Light your beacons today!

The One Ring™ is not for everyone. Common side effects include: preternatural long life, speaking in indecipherable riddles, a feeling of being spread too thin, a gradual all-consuming addiction to the One Ring™, a strict pescatarian diet, split personality syndrome, abandoning reason for madness, strangulations, a violent death, and hair loss. Some owners report sudden but brief transmogrification into inhuman banshees. In rare cases, the One Ring™ may betray its owner to serve its own ends. The One Ring ™ is known to inspire feelings of intense jealousy in others. They will seek to have it as their own. You must not let them! Talk to your regional overlord to find out if The One Ring ™ is right for you.

---

Hey! Thanks for reading! Did you like this post? Then why not subscribe to All the Fanfare where Eric originally published this piece? You'll get more editions of ‘the funnies’ like this that poke fun of pop culture with the energy of the comics section of the Sunday newspaper as well as longform analysis of tv, film, and more!

---

Hi all, Josh here again! I’ll have a short Christmas reflection to share with you all tomorrow on Christmas Eve and then a final newsletter of the year that will come at some point in the week between Christmas and New Years where the passage of time obeys none of its normal rules and the entire time feels like the Transparent Frodo and Low Opacity Elrond screenshot:

It will be neither late nor early but arrive precisely when I mean it to!

Until then, Namárië.

🐎 "The War of the Rohirrim" Spoiler-Free Review: A Serviceable, Not Stupendous, Return to Rohan

🎁 Tolkien Gift Guide — 2024

Appendices

• Special shout-out and thank you to Mike D and MaryAnn for upgrading to an Extended Edition membership this past week!

  This is a reader-supported newsletter and Jokien with Tolkien: Extended Edition members help keep it coming to everyone’s inboxes week in and week out. If you too regularly get value, entertainment, encouragement, or inspiration from this newsletter, consider upgrading your subscription too and supporting this newsletter for just $5 a month (or less at the annual rate)!

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can also find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 11,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor a future issue of Jokien with Tolkien? E-mail me at jrrjokien@jrrjokien.com