Thanks to this month’s newsletter sponsor, Tea with Tolkien! Check out Kaitlyn’s forthcoming book, Into the Heart of Middle-earth, and be sure to preorder a copy!

Hello everyone! Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, so in honor of the occasion I’ve made some more Lord of the Rings Valentines for you all! Please enjoy them and feel free to use and share them as you see fit! Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Lord of the Rings Valentines

And here’s a few of my favorites of mine from previous years:

You can find the rest here:

Volume I:

Volume II:

Volume III:

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📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can also find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

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🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor a future issue of Jokien with Tolkien? E-mail me at jrrjokien@jrrjokien.com

MORDOR—Cafe Mordor is experiencing heavier than usual traffic after adding meat back to the menu. Hoping to avoid further confusion and consternation, management would like to remind interested diners that reservations are required in order to guarantee they get to experience the revamped menu instead of the maggoty bread that was formerly on offer.

“One does not simply walk in to Cafe Mordor,” notes Mordor expert and foodie Boromir son of Denethor. “And as for the common—and frankly racist—misconception that Orcs wouldn’t know what menus are, well I am just tired of correcting all the so-called “fact-checkers” on this. Your average Orc is as formidable in an eating contest as they are across a battlefield. Stick a fork in me, I’m done!”

Still, Cafe Mordor is not without its detractors. Differences of opinions have disrupted even the closest of family bonds. Denethor son of Ecthelion, Steward of Gondor, and all-around-disgusting-eater left a one-star review on Palantír Maps, citing a gross lack of cherry tomatoes and the dismal atmosphere and decor.

When reached for comment, the Mouth of Sauron replied, "My master, Sauron the Great, bids all welcome to Cafe Mordor, the one Cafe to rule them all!”

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Appendices

• Special shout-out and thank you to Elizabeth O for upgrading to an Extended Edition membership this week!
  This is a reader-supported newsletter and Jokien with Tolkien: Extended Edition members help keep it coming to everyone’s inboxes week in and week out. If you too regularly get value, entertainment, encouragement, or inspiration from this newsletter, consider upgrading your subscription too!

  Subscribe now

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 15,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

RIVENDELL—A local White Oliphant gift exchange went awry this Yule season when the assembled partygoers at the Company Holiday Party of Elrond devolved into a heated argument that left all present shaken and disturbed.

The trouble began when one of the attendees opened a gift that turned out to be the One Ring to Rule Them All.

Other guests quickly jumped in to try to steal the gift, even offering their sword, bow, or axe in exchange after the two-steals limit was reached. Arguments over whether the limit on steals should apply to the Ring or whether it should be removed from the exchange for violating the rules of the game in the first place erupted into bedlam.

“It is a gift,” shouted Boromir of Gondor over the din, “that clearly exceeds the 25 silver coin limit. I only brought a pint-sized ale tankard.”

Eventually the ruckus grew so loud that the Wizard Gandalf lost his temper and raised his voice in a harsh, ominous sounding language he would not utter in Hobbiton but had no problem uttering in Rivendell for some reason.

Hobbit Frodo Baggins was shortly afterwards revealed to be the one who brought the gift and thereby caused the ruckus. “I wish the Ring had never come to me,” he confessed. Looking around at the now ruined party, he continued, “I wish none of this had happened.” Judging by the faces of the assembled guests, so did all who lived to see such a time.

Asked for comment, his uncle Bilbo had the following to share: “The Ring was originally mine, you know. I gave it to Frodo as a gift. Don’t know that I appreciate him regifting it like that, especially at a party he knew I would be attending. Perhaps I don’t know him half as well as I should like. It was…precious to me. Obviously not to him, though.

As punishment for violating the rules of the game and ruining the merriment, Frodo was tasked with returning the jewelry to the shopfront from whence it came: Mount Doom Rings and Things. Success seems unlikely, however: neither Bilbo nor Frodo have the original receipt.

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May this time be filled with hope, peace, joy, and love for you and yours! Seasons Greetings and Merry Christmas to you all!

“The Birth of Christ is the eucatastrophe of Man’s history. The Resurrection is the eucatastrophe of the story of the Incarnation. This story begins and ends in joy…There is no tale ever told that men would rather find was true…”

— Tolkien, “On Fairy-stories”

P.s.—Here’s a bit more on what Tolkien meant by Christmas being “the eucatastrophe of Man’s history” in a newsletter from last year:

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 15,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

May this afternoon find you passed out on the couch after eating turkey and loads of carbs while your weird uncle hovers over you trying to tell you it’s time for pie:

I’m thankful for each and every one of you, readers! Happy Thanksgiving!

Namárië,

Josh

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Reader Submissions to Gift Guide

Every year I send out the Tolkien Gift Guide and every year you awesome folks provide some extra fun additions that I just have to share also!

Check out these Bilbo and Gollum figurines from Dark Horse Direct modeled after the Rankin/Bass 1977 Hobbit!

And be sure to check out the LOTR shirts, shorts, and ball markers from RSULTS:

Here’s the link to the Gift Guide by the way if you missed it yesterday:

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 14,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

FRODO: I will take the ring to Mordor. Though I do not know the way.

GANDALF: I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear.

BILBO: *looking around at the group* Wait a minute. Why, I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like…but I don’t know the rest of you at all!

ELROND: Pardon me for not properly introducing the delegation from Narnia earlier. High King Peter, Queen Susan, King Edmund, and Queen Lucy have graciously offered their assistance in our quest.

EDMUND: It is our delight…er, I mean, pleasure.

PETER: You have my sword.

SUSAN: And my bow.

SHIFT the ape (gesturing to PUZZLE the Donkey): and my a—!

SAM: Thank you but we’ve already got a pony, Mister, ah, Chimp, sir. Bill and I are going with Mister Frodo!

ELROND (amused): Indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.

MERRY: Wait! We are coming too!

PIPPIN: Just one thing: where are we going?

LUCY: Narnia business.

This week’s newsletter is sponsored by North Ave Candles — clever candles for literature lovers.

Is there anything that can compare with the feeling elicited by the arrival of a new book at your doorstep? What about a new candle delivery?

North Ave’s November candle of the month—“Cedar, Rosemary, Lavender, Basil”—takes inspiration from Brave New World with its “medley of aromas piped out of the scent-organ - lavender, rosemary, fresh herbs, with base notes of cedar and sandalwood.” It even includes a little “soma” pill attached to the wick for “an extra bit of bliss.”

I’ve come to eagerly anticipate each new delivery from North Ave Candles over the past few months as I’ve continued to work my way through their deep catalogue of handcrafted and artisanal literature-themed candles. (The scents inspired by Pride and Prejudice and The Hobbit are in constant rotation currently!)

I adore the labels on the candles, which take inspiration from library cards, love how the candles arrive wrapped in colorful and unique wrapping, and find each scent delightful.

Check out “Cedar, Rosemary, Lavender, Basil” for yourself here →

Get "Cedar, Rosemary, Lavender, Basil"

Appendices

• Want more Lord of the Rings and Narnia fun? Here’s another crossover post from the archives:

• Already doing some holiday shopping? Check out my Bonfire Shop for some ideas, including this holiday favorite:

  

• As of when I wrote this newsletter, several Tolkien titles are on sale on Amazon right now! The Illustrated by J.R.R. Tolkien versions of The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion are all part of a “Get 3 for the Price of 2” promotion, as are Tolkien’s Letters and other Tolkien titles!

• This is a reader-supported newsletter and Jokien with Tolkien: Extended Edition members help keep it coming to everyone’s inboxes week in and week out. If you too regularly get value, entertainment, or encouragement from it, consider upgrading your subscription too!

Subscribe now

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 14,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

J.R.R. TOLKIEN: Now that I've invented all these different languages, it's time to compose thousands of years of history so I can finally write my book.

C.S. LEWIS: There is a lamp-post in my fantasy world. Just one, no other technology. Well, there’s a sewing machine that a talking beaver uses! But don't worry about the lamp-post, I'll come up with why it exists in a prequel I’ll write someday.

TOLKIEN: But Jack, you can’t just do that! Haven’t you read my essay “On Fairy-Stories”?? The electric street-lamp may indeed be ignored, simply because it is so insignificant and transient. Fairy-stories, at any rate, have many more permanent and fundamental things to talk about.

LEWIS: It’s precisely because I’ve read what your opinion is that I’m doing this, Tollers! I’ll show you what fairy-stories should talk about! And there’s nothing you can do to stop me! Hahaha!

TOLKIEN: *muttering curses in Quenya*

LEWIS: But back to your book. Remind me: what was the title again?

TOLKIEN: I'm thinking of calling it The Lord of the Rings.

LEWIS: Well he's either the Lord of the Rings, the Liar of the Rings, or the Lunatic of the Rings, isn't he?

TOLKIEN: Oh shut up, Jack.

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Appendices

• I reread “On Fairy-Stories” last week, which reminded me of this post from the archives. It was the first of several Tolkien vs Lewis posts: here’s the rest if you want to read more!

• The final post of The Children of Hurin read along will be coming this Thursday!

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 14,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

MIDDLE-EARTH—Sensing the time was right, the One Ring to Rule them all slipped away from its most recent master, the former-Halfling-turned-freakish-little-nightmare-machine known as Gollum. But then something happened the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by, in the words of Galadriel, “the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit.” Turns out the ‘unlikeliest creature imaginable’ is the exact same type of creature that picked it up the last time, though.1

“If I had a silver coin for every time I’d been picked up by the ‘unlikeliest creature imaginable,’ I’d have two coins,” the Ring telepathically relayed when asked for comment. “Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird it’s happened twice in a row. THREE if you count that first one, Déagol, who held me for a total of two minutes before Sméagol took me.”

Reports are circulating that at this very moment the Council of Elrond is debating what to do with the Ring. Surely the greatest and brightest minds from among the Free Peoples of Middle-earth can come up with a halfway decent plan for what to do with it now. It’s not like they’ll just give it to yet another Halfling, right?

Right??

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Appendices

• As of when I wrote this newsletter, several Tolkien titles are on sale on Amazon right now! The Hobbit: Illustrated Edition (64% off), The Fall of Gondolin (67% off), and Tolkien’s Letters (65% off) among the discounted titles.

• The Next Great Tales post will come Thursday! It’s not too late to join us!

  This is a reader-supported newsletter and Jokien with Tolkien: Extended Edition members help keep it coming to everyone’s inboxes week in and week out. If you too regularly get value, entertainment, encouragement, or inspiration from this newsletter, and/or would like to participate in our Great Tales Read Along, consider upgrading your subscription too!

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 14,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

MERRY: who's the king of angmar, Pip?

PIPPIN: witch-king

MERRY: …of angmar. that's what I want to find out. who is the king of angmar?

PIPPIN: I'm telling you. witch-king of angmar

MERRY: I mean the fellow’s name

PIPPIN: witch-king

MERRY: the king of angmar

PIPPIN: witch-king

MERRY: the king who rules in angmar

PIPPIN: witch-king

MERRY: the fellow who reigns over—

PIPPIN: witch-king of angmar!

MERRY: I’m asking YOU which king

PIPPIN: that's the king's name.

MERRY: that's which king's name?

PIPPIN: yes.

MERRY: well go ahead and tell me.

PIPPIN: that's it.

MERRY: that's which king?

PIPPIN: yes.

MERRY: you're killing me

PIPPIN: no man may kill him

MERRY: no man can kill which man?

PIPPIN: yes

MERRY: I’m not asking you which man can kill which king

PIPPIN: the king of angmar

MERRY: king of where—

PIPPIN: the king of the werewolves is completely different, we’re not talking about him. he’s more of a lord anyways

MERRY: I can’t bear this any longer: stop giving me the runaround! do you think I was born yesterday??

PIPPIN: what’s this about Beorn running around as a bear yesterday?

MERRY: ooooooh you’re in for a walloping

PIPPIN: húrin, now there’s a sad story about a man…

MERRY: *throwing his hands up in exasperation* what are you talking about?? which man?

MERRY & PIPPIN (together): THE WITCH KING

[and….scene]

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Prime Day Deals

I know not everyone will want to take advantage of the deals Amazon is offering this week, but for those who do, I have rounded up a few Tolkien-related items that are included in the deals (as of the time of this writing):

• The Lord of the Rings: Illustrated by the Author edition is 67% off

• The Hobbit: Illustrated by the Author edition is 63% off

• The History of Middle-earth Box Set #4 is 58% off

• The Revised and Expanded Edition of Tolkien’s Letters is 54% off

• Unfinished Tales: Illustrated Edition is 52% off

• Beren And Lúthien is 50% off

• John Ronald's Dragons: The Story of J. R. R. Tolkien picture book is 51% off

There are also a good number of Tolkien books in the current “buy two get the third free” promotion, such as The Silmarillion: Illustrated by the Author, The Tolkien Reader, The Collected Poems of J.R.R. Tolkien Box Set, and more!

Find them all in the Get 3 for the Price of 2 Sale page (search for ‘Tolkien’)

Don’t like Amazon? Check out my list of Tolkien books featured in this newsletter at my Bookshop.org shop, where a portion of every purchase goes to your local bookstore!

Appendices

Here’s some recent memes and posts from social media from yours truly:

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can also find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 13,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor a future issue of Jokien with Tolkien? E-mail me at jrrjokien@jrrjokien.com

Local Lord of the Rings superfan Bryan Davidson left the home of now former friend Dan in shock and confusion. He had just learned Dan planned to watch the theatrical versions of Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy during their annual marathon of the movies instead of the Extended Editions.

“You think you know someone,” said Bryan. “When did Dan abandon reason for madness? I’ve known him since our days of playing Guitar Hero together in the dorms at State. He was one of my groomsmen. We’ve watched the Extended Editions—the only acceptable versions of these epic films—every year together for the past twenty years! I wouldn’t wish this kind of betrayal on my worst enemy.”

“I had to end this toxic relationship now. Where does it end? Enjoying The Hobbit trilogy non-ironically??”

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Extended Edition

Though the position that the Extended Editions are the only acceptable editions of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy is seemingly sacrosanct in the Lord of the Rings fan community and any other position is treated as anathema, nay, even heresy…

What if…

Superior. Better paced. More watchable.

“Where can I get such an edition?” you may ask.

Well it already exists, and you may already own it.

That’s right:

After twenty years of watching the extended editions religiously (and even naming a part of my newsletter after them!), I have a confession to make: I’ve come around on the Theatrical Versions and see them as the definitive version of the films.

Here’s my reasons why:

Special shout-out to Seth and April, who upgraded to a paid membership to Jokien with Tolkien this week!

I so appreciate each and every paid subscriber and your support of me and this newsletter. Enjoy this bonus Extended Edition Content below.

To join the hundreds of Extended Edition members in reading why I’ve come around on the theatrical versions and to unlock the full archive of over fifty Extended Edition exclusive posts, upgrade today!

Read more

RIVENDELL—After a heated council meeting that lasted long past midday, Half-elven Lord of Rivendell Elrond was overheard lamenting to fellow Elves that he regretted not solving the issue of Sauron’s magical Ring three thousand years ago at the end of the Second Age of Middle-earth.

“It would have been so simple,” he allegedly mused. “I urged Isildur to do the right thing and destroy the Ring. ‘Cast it into the fire!’ I yelled. Can’t be much more direct than that, right? But nOoOoOo, he has to go on and on about taking the Ring as a ‘weregild’ for the death of his father and brother. Well guess what, Izzy? You know whose dad is a star and whose mom turned into a bird1 but doesn’t make a big deal about being COMPENSATED for it?”

“Plus now there’s the matter of Isildur’s dirty hobo heir nosing around here for the past few decades setting his sights on my daughter. If I’d only known I could have lit two beacons with one torch, I would have just cast ISILDUR into the fire.”

A Last Homely House spokesman did not respond to a request for comment.

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Appendices

• Special shout-out and thank you to Jacob W for upgrading to an Extended Edition membership this week!

  This is a reader-supported newsletter and Jokien with Tolkien: Extended Edition members help keep it coming to everyone’s inboxes week in and week out. If you too regularly get value, entertainment, encouragement, or inspiration from this newsletter, consider upgrading your subscription too!

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 13,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

Anyways, enjoy the following posts! And be sure to vote in the poll at the end to let me know if you’d like to see content like this more often!

me every week sitting down to write a newsletter for you all:

⚔️ If someone forward this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 13,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

📚 Check out my shops on Amazon and Bookshop.org for curated lists of Tolkien content

🗃️ Can’t wait till next Thursday for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in sponsoring this newsletter like the above ad? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

ELROND: The One Ring must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this.

FRODO: I will take the Ring! Though I do not know the way.

ALL: *silence*

FRODO: If only someone who'd been to Mount Doom before could guide me...

ELROND: ....

FRODO: Oooookay. Perhaps someone who has fought a Balrog before then?

GLORFINDEL: I’m sorry but facing a Balrog and dying once is plenty for me. Besides, Elves like myself who have dwelt in the Blessed Realm glow like the Beacons of Gondor in the Unseen Realm.1 I’d basically be a walking “Here we are! Find the One Ring here!” sign to the Nazgûl.

FRODO: Well I hadn’t thought of that.

GANDALF: [long glare at Elrond and Glorfindel] *I* will go with you, Frodo.

FRODO: Oh thank you, Gandalf!

GANDALF: Helping these Hobbits is going to be the death of me

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Appendices

• Special shout-out and thank you to Susanna M and Daniel E for upgrading to an Extended Edition membership this week!

  This is a reader-supported newsletter and Jokien with Tolkien: Extended Edition members help keep it coming to everyone’s inboxes week in and week out. If you too regularly get value, entertainment, encouragement, or inspiration from this newsletter, consider upgrading your subscription too!

  Subscribe now

• A reader vacationing in Mexico submitted this photo cataloguing an Eye of Sauron they found in the wild. There are Dark Lords everywhere for those with the eyes to see.

  

  
  

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1

POV: you’re a Nazgul seeing Glorfindel

TOLKIEN: after developing numerous fictional languages and thousands of years of history as a backdrop, I think I'm ready to write my book

LEWIS: ...the girl goes through a *pulls card from deck* wardrobe and sees a *spins wheel* faun standing next to a *throws dart at a list pinned to the wall* lamp-post

TOLKIEN: …what?

LEWIS: yes, he’s secretly working for the White Witch. but not to worry! the talking beavers will help the girl and her siblings

TOLKIEN: *narrows eyes*

LEWIS: and of course, Father Christmas helps too! he gives the children weapons and they become the Kings and Queens of Narnia!

TOLKIEN: Strange men riding through woods distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! And FATHER CHRISTMAS in the same imaginative country as a faun and a Witch? Why, next you’ll be telling me that Christ the Lord himself visits this frightful mishmash of mythologies!

LEWIS: well, um…not exactly

TOLKIEN: [softly] Jack. Please. Tell me you didn’t.

LEWIS: ⱼₑₛᵤₛ ᵢₛ ₐ ₗᵢₒₙ

TOLKIEN: There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery! [he storms out of the room]

LEWIS: *sigh* well, that went better than I expected!

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For more Tolkien and Lewis sketches like this, be sure to check out previous entries in this series:

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📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can also find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 11,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

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On the brink of ushering all the lands of Middle-earth into a second darkness, the Former Dark Lord Sauron has apparently had a change of heart eye. After two halflings were captured trying to infiltrate Mount Doom, Sauron had them brought to his fortress of Barad-dûr, where a series of completely unanticipated events led to him renouncing his evil ways.

“I guess I must have still had the phial in my pocket that the Lady Galadriel gave to Mister Frodo from when I faced that horrible spider,” gardener and adventurer Samwise Gamgee told reporters. “Well that Dark Lord fella, he was threatening Mister Frodo with all kinds of nasty things for trying to destroy his precious Ring and I, well I had just had enough of that. I did the only think I could think of and chucked that phial at him. It must have opened midair, because some of the water from the Lady’s mirror spilled out and landed right into that big old ugly eye of his.”

The application of the water from Lothlórien infused with the light of Eärendil’s star and the very Silmarils themselves instantly cleared up the irritation and swelling in the Great Eye, resulting in an instant change of mood for Sauron. “He actually seemed like a decent sort of fella after that,” added Sam. “He apologized to us and sent us on our way, asking if we could perhaps pass on a message of thanks from him when we saw Galadriel next.”

At the time of this writing, Galadriel was seen on horseback in route to Mordor. We attempted to reach out to Celebrorn to get to the bottom of why, but he would say nothing other than repeating the word “Halbrand” over and over under his breath while clenching and unclenching his fists and pacing back and forth.

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Speak ‘friend’ and become a member of the Extended Edition to read the rest of today’s post, where I share a bit more about the origins of this piece and some of the behind-the-scenes details about it! (Think of it as a director’s commentary of sorts)

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Jenn is a not-so-absentminded adjunct professor of Humanities (specifically literature, English, writing, and theatre) who lives in Colorado with her fiancé and two stepgoblins. Jenn is a fight director and intimacy coordinator for live theatres and schools in her area, and co-produces and often performs in an old-school variety show called Blue Dime Cabaret, which puts on monthly shows. You can find Jenn at her Substack, , as well as Instagram and Threads.

Mycelium Bombadil

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Back in the Spring, I had the very great pleasure to engage with ’ LOTR Reading Challenge, and it got my old brain re-pumped about so many themes and characters and etc. that I dusted off a bunch of my old lecturettes from a literature course I had taught online around two decades ago. Back in the early aughts at the University of Denver, I was one of the first online instructors for the graduate level professional writing program, and among the writing courses I taught were some special literature topics, Lord of the Rings included. The course was called Hobbits and Heroes, and covered The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and lots of paratexts like Norse epics, Celtic folklore, Tolkien’s letters, the (at the time) brand new Peter Jackson movie adaptations, and even The Adventures of Tom Bombadil. You can find all these lecturettes republished over on my newsletter, Zuko’s Musings, if you’re interested. But I digress.

In this recent Reading Challenge, I found myself Musing (!) about some details and characters and backstories that I hadn’t before. One of these ponderings is one that a very many nerds fans before me have pontificated about time and again. It’s the enigmatic and mysterious (and musical) figure of Tom Bombadil.

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Mycelium? Your celium.

Amid the rich discussions surrounding Fellowship and the events leading up to the hobbits meeting Tom (including the Farmer Maggot incident), a conversation with my partner sparked a really weird yet compelling idea of what Tom Bombadil is. The more I pored over this insane idea, the more it became a thesis. A thesis that’s so crazy, I think it might be true. My thesis, though simple, is as multiply-rooted as the word itself. It is simply the following:

Allow me to explain.

It all started with this conversation in the comments of John Halbrooks’ Tom Bombadil piece a few months ago, that I was having with :

Tom’s country ends here: he will not pass the borders.

In our Spring LOTR readalong when I first was chatting about this, we were up to the Ents and having a discussion of the deep ecological connections that many of the non-humans of Middle-Earth have, especially the creatures (and beings) thought of as very old. Even evil brooding Shelob is very much a part of her environment, the Ents are essentially embodiments of the trees they herd, and the Elves are as in sync with green growing things as Dwarves are with underground crystalline depths. Just listen to Gimli attempt to describe the beauty of the Glittering Caves to Legolas (footnote: this exchange is in The Two Towers, Book 3: ‘The Road to Isengard.’) – the prosaic Dwarf waxes rhapsodic and ecstatic, so much so that Legolas is moved enough to appreciate his reaction (if not totally on board with the awe) and to agree to witness the caves later when all’s done.

But it seems that Bombadil is not only deeply spiritually connected to his land like these other beings, but also literally connected: he won’t (or perhaps can’t) roam past his home boundaries, and speaks about his seasonal habits. Remember: he tells the hobbits they’re lucky he was close enough nearby to save them on that day, as he doesn’t tend to travel up that way until Spring.

And yet Bombadil is still an enigma: he’s not Dwarf nor Elf nor Istari, nor even an Ent. And he’s way too magical to be a mere Man. Martha and I hit on something here when we discussed how deeply connected Tom is to his land. This connection does not come from ownership of the land: it feels like he literally is part of the landscape.

When Martha and I were mulling over this connection and she typed that word ‘mycelium’ after I mentioned that Tom has a limited area wherein he functions, I thought: “Ah-ha!” After all, a mushroom is just one fruiting body of the powerful underground network that is the mycelium—Tom is just manifesting as this bearded man who’s dressed like he is (more about his clothes in a minute), as a humanoid appearance of the mushroom. Who but a mushroom could open up Old Man Willow so effectively to free the trapped and hypnotized hobbits? Who else could be this deeply friendly with all animals, and be able to conquer dead things like the barrow-wights, but a mushroom? Plus, he is a fun guy.

A … fun. gi….

I’ll see myself out.

But then! Guess what I learned, when I further discussed this thesis with my partner? Mind. Blown:

Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow;

Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.

‘Magic’ (or psilocybin) mushrooms are yellow in the stem, but turn blue upon disturbance, like being cut or bruised – why this happens is kind of unclear, but it is a major indicator of the presence of psilocybin in the mushroom. The blue jacket, though the boots are yellow. And so if we’re talking about Bombadil as mushroom, wouldn’t it make sense that he was a psilocybin ‘shroom? The hobbits’ experience in Bombadil’s home is dreamlike, therapeutic, trippy. They feel a loss of time, and are healed spiritually as much as bodily as they rest and sleep and listen to story and song. Frodo’s dreams while there are particularly important, as they are gentle foreshadowing to his final journey to the Grey Havens after all’s done. What the hobbits experience at Bombadil’s home, in other words, is very like a micro-dose of healing psychedelics.

Tom’s called The Eldest and The Master, and that would make sense here too. Mushrooms are some of the most ancient and complex living things on Earth, and why wouldn’t they be so on Middle-earth too? This is why the deeply-connected-to-trees Elves don’t really know what he is, but know that he’s Eldest, and have respect for him and his deep connection to green growing things, as all Elves are too. They recognize him, in other words, without really knowing what he is. This is of course why he’s familiar friends with such a supposedly minor character like Farmer Maggot: Maggot’s whole life and livelihood is centered on mushrooms. He’s obviously got Tom’s blessing.

Could this be why Tom can only sing? He’s just one budding-out of a hive mind, a mycelium? And so this one-shroom manifestation chants in the rhythm of the whole? I can’t help but nerdily connect this concept to the Renaissance Europe idea of the Music of the Spheres too: that each planet was fixed to a crystalline sphere which is what moved it through the sky, and each made its own music, all of the planets networked together creating a cosmic tune that is celestial and holy. Of course, we learn in The Silmarillion that Ainu, The One, created the world using song. Is Bombadil (since they call him The Eldest) doing the same, in his smaller way?

One thing’s certain – Bombadil doesn’t go past his own territory. My theory, as attached to this thesis, is: he can’t. He can’t exist past his mycelium network and that’s why he doesn’t travel and has to leave the hobbits at a certain boundary of his land – he’s at the edge of where he can live, and can’t go past where his giant networked being ends. He’s extremely grounded (literally) – he talks to Old Man Willow by his roots, not the crown of leaves at the top, and banishes the dead Barrow-wights with only a few verses of his powerful song. This of course makes me think of how mushrooms feed on decay, transforming it into nutrients, and often attach to trees around the bottoms of trunks. Also, he’s married to the ‘River Daughter’ – and we know how mushrooms flourish in damp areas. It all seems pretty ‘shroomy to me.

Old Paul Stamets is a merry fellow: Bright blue his jacket is, and his hat’s a mushroom.

Ever heard of Paul Stamets? He’s a famous mycologist and mushroom advocate, who extols the medicinal benefits of psilocybin, among other shroomy things like astromycology, martial arts and mushrooms, and mycomediation, which is a form of environmental cleanup using mycelium as a very effective decontaminant. This guy is a mushroom galaxy brain, and he also… wait for it…wears a blue jacket and a hat made out of mushroom, on a regular basis. Coincidence? Nope – he wears the blue jacket to signify the blue ‘jacket’ of the psilocybin mushrooms which are the center of his career and life. Is Stamets Farmer Maggot? Or perhaps Tom Bombadil himself? You decide. He looks a lot like Bombadil, is all I’m saying… I’d actually love to know if Stamets has weighed in on Tom Bombadil. I haven’t seen such, if he has.

His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.

Now, as a nerd of the first water myself, I know that Tolkien himself had no deep concept for Bombadil – his intention in creating him was to supply a mysterious enigmatic figure, one with no explainable origin. (Editor’s note: In Letter 144 Tolkien says “even in a mythical Age there must be some enigmas, as there always are. Tom Bombadil is one (intentionally).”) Tolkien even said outright that Tom is not representative of God nor the author, (footnote: Letter 153, where Tolkien’s reply to a question about whether Goldberry saying “He is” about Tom connected to Yaweh’s “I am that I am” and Jesus’ “I am” statements was “as for Tom Bombadil, I really do think you are being too serious, besides missing the point.”) and is not any of the godlike or angelic beings of Middle-Earth, and is ‘not improved by philosophizing’ about him. Which, yeah, of course: Tolkien explained all histories of his world in meticulous detail, whether it’s within the story of LOTR itself or in letters or works like the Appendices and The Silmarillion, and so if he meant to have a Bombadil backstory, best believe there’d be one. And Tolkien famously hated allegory; he wouldn’t have made Tom one. So yes, I understand all this. It’s like Levinson and Link averring that we never should learn Columbo’s first name, or verify his family. The character is supposed to be mythical, and mysterious, and have no back story, just the brief presence of him in the immediate framework of the story where he appears. I get it. I do. And I agree. But.

Isn’t it a cool idea?

(Or maybe Tom is a moss? Let’s save that for another essay, shall we?)

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The Lord of the Rings Valentines

(the above is meant to be sung to this tune)

For even more LOTR Valentine’s, check out my posts from previous years:

Volume I:

Volume II:

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Today Eric has a special offer to share with us all. Looking for that last-minute gift for that precious someone? You’re in luck! I loved this piece and know you’ll enjoy it too.

This Holiday, Give Them Something They'll Be Obsessed With: The One Ring

Your very own precious

It began with the forging of the Great Rings.

Three were given to the Elves, cold and aloof.

Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, obsessed with rocks and beards.

Nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who live short, boring lives.

Deep in the mystical land of Mordor, Sauron Claus forged a master ring, and into it he poured his charity, his benevolence, and his appetite for justice.

One ring to rule them all. Nicely, not naughtily.

Thanks to a special partnership with Sauron Claus himself, the One Ring™ is now available to everyone in your Fellowship.

Each One Ring™ has been forged in the fires of Mount Doom by craftsmen under Sauron’s close supervision. The rings are made of a gold-nickel alloy and numbered to 2000 in the Black Speech, a secret that only fire can tell.

Every One Ring™ will be an heirloom passed down for generations.

But don’t take our word for it—listen to these satisfied customers:

“It is a gift!” ~ Boromir, Captain of Gondor

“It's mine, my own, my precious.” ~ Bilbo Baggins of the Shire

“We swears on the precious.” ~ Gollum, cave urchin

Now you too can possess your very own precious —  for only 4 monthly payments of $995. At this price — You. Shall Not. PASS!

But wait, there’s more!

Every order will receive free copies of Sauron Claus’s autobiography How I Made Middle-earth Great Again, and Grima Wormtongue’s How the Westfold Fell, and Other Funny Stories.

But wait—there’s even more!

Order in the next 60 minutes to receive your very own Hobbit, who will forgo second breakfast to serenade you with seasonal classics such as:

• Sauron Claus Is Coming To Town

• Bing Crossbow and David Bowie: Pieces of Elves/Little Hobbit Boy

• Happy Sauronmas (War is Forever)

• Have Yourself a Miserable Little Sauronmas

• I Saw Mommy Cursing Sauron Claus

• Mariah Carey: All I Want For Sauronmas Is You

• And many more!

Quantities of the One Ring™ are extremely limited!

Light your beacons today!

The One Ring™ is not for everyone. Common side effects include: preternatural long life, speaking in indecipherable riddles, a feeling of being spread too thin, a gradual all-consuming addiction to the One Ring™, a strict pescatarian diet, split personality syndrome, abandoning reason for madness, strangulations, a violent death, and hair loss. Some owners report sudden but brief transmogrification into inhuman banshees. In rare cases, the One Ring™ may betray its owner to serve its own ends. The One Ring ™ is known to inspire feelings of intense jealousy in others. They will seek to have it as their own. You must not let them! Talk to your regional overlord to find out if The One Ring ™ is right for you.

Hey! Thanks for reading! Did you like this post? Then why not subscribe to All the Fanfare where Eric originally published this piece? You'll get more editions of ‘the funnies’ like this that poke fun of pop culture with the energy of the comics section of the Sunday newspaper as well as longform analysis of tv, film, and more!

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Hi all, Josh here again! I’ll have a short Christmas reflection to share with you all tomorrow on Christmas Eve and then a final newsletter of the year that will come at some point in the week between Christmas and New Years where the passage of time obeys none of its normal rules and the entire time feels like the Transparent Frodo and Low Opacity Elrond screenshot:

It will be neither late nor early but arrive precisely when I mean it to!

Until then, Namárië.

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📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can also find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 11,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

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🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor a future issue of Jokien with Tolkien? E-mail me at jrrjokien@jrrjokien.com

It’s December, and as has become tradition here at Jokien with Tolkien, I’ve got some Lord of the Rings Christmas Carols for you to hum all month long!

Middle-earth Christmas Carols

[the Mines of Moria]

*the Fellowship, surrounded by goblins, hears the sound of bells jingling. the goblins scatter*

BOROMIR: What is this new Devilry?

GANDALF: (singing softly, but with increasing volume, to the tune of “Jingle Bell Rock”)

Jingle Bal, jingle Bal, jingle Balrog
Jingle dwarves dig and jingle dwarves delve
Greedy and deeper after mithril veins
Now they’ve woken up Durin’s Bane

PIPPIN: What do you mean, Gandalf? *lowers voice* Have you been smoking some Old Toby?

GANDALF: (his voice is a growl now as the jingles grow in frequency and volume)

Jingle Bal, jingle Bal, jingle Balrog
This is no mine it’s really a tomb
Shadow and flames rise, it is a demon
of the ancient world!

(a red light fills the halls and Gandalf’s voice rises to a shout)

What a bright light, it's the right time
To run the heck away!
Jingle Bal time is a swell time
To go fleeing out of Khazad-dûm

Giddy-up foolish Took, pick up your feet
Jingle on out of here
Fly you fools out the Dimrill Gate!
That's the jingle Bal
That's the jingle Bal
That's the jingle Balrog!

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Now here’s a few more LOTR Carols for you to enjoy!

You better watch out
You better not cry
He’s giving out rings
to elves, dwarves, and guys
Santatar is coming to town!

LEGOLAS: There is a fell voice on the air

SARUMAN: LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!

Last year I did the full 12 Days of LOTR Christmas, but here’s another version:

on the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS

(voiceover) ...but they were all of them deceived, for another Ring was made

And finally, it wouldn’t be Christmas without this holiday classic:

You know Dasher and Dancer
And Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid And Donner and Blitzen
But they were all of them deceived
for another reindeer was made

one deer to lead them all
one deer to find them
one deer to shine their way
and through the darkness guide them
from Santa's workshop
where the shadows lie

If you enjoyed that one, check out my shop where you can get it on a shirt or hoodie!

That’s all for today, friends! See you next week, which is also the week War of the Rohirrim releases!

Namárië,

Josh

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p.s. looking for a Christmas gift for the LOTR fan in your life? Check out my book, Volume 1 of “Lore of the Rings,” on Amazon!

Want some more Lord of the Rings Christmas Content? Here’s a few past Christmas-themed issues:

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• Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens and Andy Serkis apparently want Viggo Mortensen back as Aragorn for The Hunt for Gollum…but even though they say they wouldn’t use AI but “digital makeup”…I’m pretty sure/worried that’s just semantics and it’ll still be AI/de-aging technology. Bring back Viggo as the older King Elessar telling the story, sure! But de-aging is just not the way to get him involved in my opinion.

📚 You can read more of my writing by reading my books! My latest is a collection of essays on The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and more of Tolkien’s works (and their adaptations). You can find it and more of my books on Amazon or Gumroad

⚔️ If someone forwarded this email to you or you found it through social media or Google, I’d like to invite you to join 10,000+ subscribers in the Jokien with Tolkien community: Subscribe here and get a free gift just for joining!

🏹 Chosen as a Substack Featured Publication in 2023

🪓 Official merch available in the Jokien with Tolkien store

❌ All typos are precisely as intended

🔗 Links may be affiliate, which is a free-to-you way to support this newsletter where I earn a small commission on items you purchase

🗃️ Can’t wait till next week for more content? View the archive

🎯 Interested in writing a guest piece like the above? Check out my submission guidelines. Want to sponsor an issue? Email me at JRRJokien@JRRJokien.com

Today Greg has a story from the Shire for us about a new local eatery. As many of us will be enjoying various forms of potatoes this week during holiday meals, I found it especially appropriate and entertaining! Enjoy!

Hobbiton Welcomes New Potato Shop

What's ‘Precious Taters’?

HOBBITON—The Shire welcomes a surprising new potato-themed eatery with the grand opening of Precious Taters. It’s the result of a partnership between local hobbit Samwise Gamgee and a twisted cave monster previously local to the Misty Mountains, Gollum (formerly known as Sméagol).

The shop, which opened its doors this week in the heart of Hobbiton, offers a variety of gourmet potato dishes that are already drawing enthusiastic crowds. “What’s Precious Taters? PO-TA-TOES!” Gamgee said from behind the counter, expertly mashing a fresh batch of spuds. “Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew—it doesn’t matter. What matters is sharing a good meal with good company.”

For Gamgee, that includes the murderous Gollum, who he calls “an old friend.” Though Gamgee admits that the two were once nemeses, the Ring-obsessed creature has gone from fiend to friend and is now co-owner and “head of vibes” at the shop. “We makes the taters just right,” Gollum hissed to reporters. “Nasty hobbitses likes to mash them, but we eats them whole, yes, yes!”

The idea for Precious Taters reportedly took root during an awkward reunion between the pair at the Prancing Pony in Bree. “At first, it was just small talk. Me asking how he managed to escape the fires of Mount Doom, gossip about people we used to be in Fellowship with, things of that sort," Gamgee explained. “But as we got hungry, we realized maybe we have more in common than we thought.”

“I’ll admit that starting a business with Gollum was… unexpected,” Gamgee adds. “But if there’s one thing we both understand, it’s how precious good food can be. Though I do wish he'd stop hissing at the customers.”

You’ll have to scour the Shire to find a more impressive array of potato-themed dishes. The shop’s menu features a wide array of innovative takes on the humble spud, including Smeagol’s Secret Smash, which is served with a side of raw fish. This week’s grand opening drew a significant crowd, including local fool Peregrin Took, who reportedly ordered five servings of the Elevensees E-loaded Potato Skins.

Precious Taters is open daily from second breakfast until supper, with discounts during Merry Hour every Wednesday. Reservations are encouraged but not required—according to Gollum, “It’s first come, first served, GOLLUM GOLLUM.”

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[Horns blow, announcing that the Elves have arrived at Helm's Deep]

HALDIR: An alliance once existed between Elves and Men

ARAGORN: Yes, “The Last Alliance of Elves and Men”

HALDIR: Well, yes. And no. That’s what it used to be called. But you see, now that we’ve come here to make a new alliance between Elves and Men, that one shall now be known as “The Alliance Formerly Known as the Last Alliance of Men and Elves.”

ARAGORN: I thought “Last Alliance” just meant “previous alliance,” not “final alliance.” You know, like “the last time I visited Rivendell I saw Arwen” and not “That’s the last time I try any of Éowyn’s cooking.”

HALDIR: Was the stew really that bad?

ARAGORN: *shudders* I don’t want to talk about it.

HALDIR: Allllllright. Well, I see how that’s confusing about the alliance name. Rather unclear, isn’t it?

ARAGORN: Well what should we call this alliance then?

HALDIR: Well if you don’t like the “Alliance Formerly Known As the Last Alliance,” how about…“The Final Alliance of Elves and Men”?

ARAGORN: Hmm, definitely more definitive. But what if we need another alliance? Then we’re right back to where we started this conversation.

HALDIR: How about “Maybe The Real Alliance is All the Friends We Made Along the Way”?

ARAGORN: …

HALDIR: 2 Last 2 Alliance?

ARAGORN: What does that even—

HALDIR: Ok fine, let’s just call it “The Most Recent Alliance of Elves and Men Barring Any Future Alliances, In Which Case It Shall Retroactively Be Known As A Previous Alliance”

ARAGORN: Maybe we should just leave out the fact that the Elves helped Men out at Helm’s Deep when we write the book about all this. Much simpler that way I think!

HALDIR: Over my dead body!

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Appendices

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